I really wish I was perfect. I am sitting here giving myself a hard time about how long it took me to complete everything today… Last night when I planned out my day it didn’t look like this!!! I was going to throw in a load of laundry, workout in the morning, shower and clean up, go get LJ from the bus, clean the kids room and then have time to catch up on these emails and follow ups that seem to grow by the minute!! Then I wanted to blog. PSH! Did not happen like that. Even though yesterday I did all the big cleaning… if you have kids you know, the bathroom will be need to be cleaned again 20 seconds after you leave it. The floor will have to be vacuumed twice a day! And for some reason I had to mop again! Seriously, I just did this YESTERDAY!!! Ah, but this is life. I did not finish my tasks until my fiance got home, and, I was not actually done yet. I was folding the laundry, and had not even turned my laptop on!
I was so overwhelmed! I think part of the reason I feel like such a failure today is because yesterday was my fiance’s birthday. A little Fun Fact about James, he has bad luck. I know, I know, you don’t believe in bad luck… well, if you met him, you would. I really want to list examples, but he reads my blog and might not like that idea. I’ll give you one example though: A few months ago he took a job that had better hours than his last job, but for 90 days he had to take a pay cut. So, we weighed the pros and cons and figured, we could make it 3 months. We would figure it out. It’s been a tough month, at about the same time the kids were out of school for summer, and since his new job is Monday through Friday I could not work during the week. So I ended up getting a pay cut, too. Then the check engine light comes on in the car, and it starts leaking. It’s going to cost $1,000 to fix it. The car payments are $400 (ridiculous, right??? At the time that he bought the car a few years ago, he was making great money, but wouldn’t it be his luck that the owner of the company would go off the deep end and use all the companies money and fail to pay the employees for 5 weeks, then filed for bankruptcy and leave everyone jobless and broke.) and we don’t have an extra $1,000. We thought we would refinance. Of course this company does not do that, and since he asked them, it red flagged his account and the other night the bank towed the car because we were 30 days late on making the payment. Normally they would let you slide a little, but since we asked to refinance, they assumed we were not going to pay and took the car. That was Tuesday. On Wednesday James aunt went to the hospital and we were told it was time to say goodbye, she had officially lost her battle with cancer. Thursday was James’s birthday, and his aunt passed away late that morning.
That’s a lot. He is not OK. He is worried about his family, he is worried about us, he could not even celebrate his birthday (not the first time that has happened, but absolutely the saddest reason). Here I am trying to hold together what I can. I can’t fix our troubles, but that raise is expected hopefully next week, so that will alleviate a lot of stress, (but knowing James’s luck watch the raise be microscopic…) and I feel like the only thing I can do is all of my jobs. I do not know what to say to him, or how to console the kids. When the house is not in order I get anxiety, and I already have that, so I have to focus on keeping everything in it’s place, and following through with my commitments. I broke down today. Completely. I don’t know how to deal with it all, so yesterday I shut down, and today I was just pissy. I feel helpless.