How to be a hippy

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DIY Health and Beauty

I quit using shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, lotion and body wash! And I don’t even smell gross! My hair isn’t disgusting, greasy or flakey. My skin is clear, and I am still soft as ever! Next on the list… home made deodorant and sun screen!

simplicity!
simplicity!

As I spit out a spoonful of coconut oil one morning it struck me, I have got to blog about this. People ask me all of the time for tips, ideas and advice to be healthier. While none of what I’m suggesting is original, I figure it’s the best way to put it all in one place, and then refer the next person to my blog. There are lots of blogs out there that cover these things, just so you know. I have been waiting until I had all of my ingredients together and had actually started my new-ish rituals. I have noticed that I am not someone who can say, “From now on…” Because within a few days, I have fallen off the wagon, or realized I don’t like this idea after all, and then I look like such a flake. So… I waited to write about these things until I had officially made the switch. All of this has been a long time coming. I did not wake up one morning and decide to throw out all my old hair care products, moisturizers, shampoos, toothpaste, whitening strips, and skin care… that would be crazy, right?

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It all began years ago when I started making small changes in my diet, over the years, those changes began to trickle into the rest of my life, we stopped buying water bottles, switched from zip lock baggies to tupperware… Pinterest became a life saver, I made my own laundry detergent last year (and we are STILL using that same batch!) Maybe things really began about 5 years ago when I decided to breast feed, cloth diaper and recycle. Even though they were very isolated and the next changes didn’t happen for another year or two, I believe this is a great example of the “baby steps” I preach. Regardless, here I am letting my hair dry without brushing it, styling it or putting product in it… also, I didn’t shampoo or condition (gasp!).

I wanted to give you all a page that has the ingredients and recipes for Do It Yourself, natural health and beauty products that actually work, I know, because I am putting them to the test, a few of which I have been using for over a year. I also wanted to give you a little back round on why the hell you would make your own tooth paste. There are other blogs out there that have even more info than I am sharing, google is your friend, as I am not a doctor, just a health obsessed mom who happens to blog. (They’ll just give anyone a blog won’t they?)

So this is a great time for a disclaimer: I am not a scientist, doctor or expert, I am writing opinions and facts that I have researched. I am well aware that the mainstream products I am talking about have been tested and are considered safe in small doses. My problem is the continued exposure every day all day. I also do not expect everyone to just flip your lives upside down and quit using shampoo, I am hoping to spread the word, and give you an idea about how easy it is to make small changes… not to mention the money you could be saving! Making your own health and beauty products means less poison going down our drains, less plastics being thrown out, will be better for your hair, skin and hopefully your over all health.

Cloth Diapers: I have to give CD a shout out because I think it really opened my eyes to the way we treat our planet, that awareness totally snowballed. I have not used a diaper in YEARS, my over achiever was almost completely potty trained before she was 15 months old. I have a sneaking suspicion that CD had something to do with it. (For help with potty training, check out Potty Training In Three Days or Less ) Diapers take more than 150 years to decompose… in fact we don’t know how long it takes, THAT’S how long it takes! Our landfills are piled high, and we continually add to it, how many diapers a day do you throw out? Disposable diapers are full of chemicals and we just don’t know how that effects our children, or our planet. Maybe you’ll consider it based on the cost? With disposable diapers, you’re looking at about $60+ a month, not including wipes (over $700 a year… are you ready to potty train yet?), if you cloth diaper you spend between $100-$300 one time depending on your preferences. I loved the website CottonBabies when I was CD.

Shampoo: Would you eat something that says “If ingested call poison control”? (Well maybe, so many people eat Yoga Mat Sandwiches without blinking an eye.) Not that I’m die hard on this, but my growing concern is why would I rub something into my scalp (skin in general) that is toxic? Wait- you may be thinking- shampoo is toxic??? YES! I’ll give you a brief break down of the type of things you’ll find in shampoo, and for all the technical names and a deeper look click here. You will find several cancer causing chemicals such as Sodium Lauryl Sulfate/Sodium Laureth Sulfate, and Glycol. You’ll find chemicals that are known to cause skin irritation and imbalances your pH levels, silicone which clogs your pores and soy. Unless you are using an organic shampoo, you are putting yourself at risk, and you are not giving your hair the support it needs to be long, luxurious and strong. The funny thing… is that in order to have amazing hair, you actually need to do LESS, not more. It is a process, but not the kind of process where you do 12 steps in one day. As another blog I follow pointed out: “Also it’s better for the environment to use fewer plastic bottles and wash less poison down the drain. And there’s I guess a tiny chance it will also save you from some combination of cancer and let’s go with…epilepsy.” This is the blog I have used as reference on my No Poo journey. 

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Baby Shampoo: When you think about your perfect newborn, I assume you don’t plan to douse her in formaldehyde and carcinogens? (What are carcinogens? Glad you asked, it is directly linked to causing cancer, it is radiaioactive, in some cases. You’ll also find it in cigarette smoke. Because it is not immediately toxic, it’s effects can be terrible, because you continuously come into contact with seemingly no side effects.)  Instead maybe adopt the Noo Poo idea for your new born? Or in the least, find an organic baby wash, I know Melaleuca (also see natural cleaning products) has a baby line, and I’m sure there are smaller companies, particularly online that offer chemical free baby shampoo/lotion (but I think it’s easier to make your own.)

No Poo: This is what you call it when you quit using shampoo (and conditioner) and allow your body to create it’s own oils to nourish your hair. I know, it sounds gross. No more shampoo? Surprisingly, people have a lot of success using this method, and the best part health-wise is that you’re not soaking your head in cancer causing chemicals, the best part beauty-wise is you finally get to enjoy the hair you always dreamed about! Before you skip this part because you have curly hair and “need to use product” this program works for you, too!!! If you have hair, you can No Poo! You only need two  ingredients, I happen to have them all in my pantry.

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Super easy to make a wash and a rinse.

Wash: Baking Soda and water, slowly add the water to the baking soda in a bottle making it kind of “goopy”. (I have read that less BS is better this article answered a lot of my questions) You will pour it into your scalp, and scrub. Rinse it out, then use your “conditioner”. You will most definitely miss the bubbles, I used to have this idea that bubbles meant “It’s working” If you’re considering even trying these things, you’ll have to come to terms with the idea that there are no bubbles. Buuuttt, It’s working! Better than your shampoo!

Rinse (Conditioner): I used 2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar (ACV) and water. (It doesn’t smell nice, but the scent goes away really fast. Don’t worry you won’t smell like vinegar.) Pour the rinse on the rest of your hair, and leave it for a few minutes, then rinse with water. Vwala! Finished. You won’t have that super silky feeling as you rinse your hair out, it won’t feel feel slimy and unnaturally soft, like you’re used to, but bear with me.

Baking soda "wash" and apple cider vinegar "rinse"
Baking soda “wash” and apple cider vinegar “rinse”

It’s not suggested that you brush your hair while it’s wet, but you can use a wide tooth comb, just start from the bottom. (I like to comb my hair while the ACV is in my hair.) I noticed that my hair dries soooo much faster, it used to take HOURS for my hair to dry, I mean if I took a shower at 6 or 7 pm my hair was still damp when I woke up the next morning. I have very thick hair, and I assumed that’s why, but it turns out that’s not the reason. It seems my hair was coated with silicon and other unnatural products that give it that smooth somewhat goey feeling. My hair feels so much lighter when I get out of the shower, I have a suspicion that had I quit shampoo earlier I would have dealt with my dandruff issue earlier, but I actually solved that problem a few months before quitting shampoo by oil pulling! I’ll get to that in a minute.

So the baking soda and vinegar wash, you’ll do for about 2 weeks, you might notice a few issues, I have not had any. I “washed” it twice a week, and I didn’t get oily or flakey or itchy.

Your next phase will last a few weeks, I think about 6 weeks is typical, you’ll notice changes in your hair… you won’t like some of them… but in the end it will all be worth it! This phase is unnervingly simple. You pretty much do nothing besides brush your hair. I recommend a lot of brushing with a very clean hair brush. Your hair is going to spend the next few weeks over compensating in the oils department. Years of chemical abuse has taken it’s toll and your hair needs to relearn how to take care of itself. What you will need to do is brush the oils from your scalp through the rest of your hair. You should still be rinsing your hair with water only as often as you like, scrub your scalp as you would if you were scrubbing the baking soda in. Just don’t use anything besides water.

After 6 weeks or so, once your hair has adjusted and is amazing, you can wash with baking soda and AVC as needed, this may be if you get something in your hair or go to the beach, basically if your hair is actually dirty. Some people continue to wash once a week, do what works for you. The idea here, though, is to use nothing (besides water and a hair brush).

One thing I did, I don’t know if it’s “allowed” but I put a few tablespoons of sea salt and a little coconut oil in warm water (to melt the oil) in a spray bottle, and while my hair was damp or dry I spritz my hair and let it have that “beachy waves” look. I did not spray my roots, though, and I only did this if I was going out and didn’t want to look like I don’t take care of myself. Otherwise, I practiced cute ponytails. Pinterest is full of options! The hardest part of this is probably not knowing what to do with your hair. Get creative, you don’t have to look like a bum.

There are Facebook support groups for NoPoo, too! So if you’re serious about it, join a group. It’s much more fun and encouraging to have a support group.

Leave In Conditioner or Detangler: Just like the shampoo and conditioner issues, you’ll find many of the same toxins in detangler, so I made this one for my daughter Jenna who has lots of hair and has not quit shampoo (my youngest doesn’t use shampoo anymore either!) and needs a leave in treatment to tame her thick long hair. I used a little coconut oil, vitamin E, and water in a spray bottle. It works like a charm, but don’t use too much, or your hair will look greasy.

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Deodorant: I noticed with the last deodorant I bought that it won’t come off. It’s the same one, or so I thought, that I had been buying for years because I’m allergic to everything, so I don’t have any options. Turns out, the company turned this one into a 24 hour deodorant, which translates to: FOREVER! I had to scrub the heck out of my arm pits to get this stuff off, and I couldn’t shave till it was completely removed because all the junk gets stuck in my razor making it useless. (I can’t help but think of “Spray on shoes” from Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs.) This is when I started researching deodorant and found out how unhealthy they are. As you can see from the photo above aluminum is linked to breast cancer, since we run the stuff onto our lymph nodes I see this being a huge problem! Parabens are linked to hormonal imbalance, and cancers. Companies that don’t use parabens are loud and proud! Propylene glycol (you’ll recognize this one from shampoo) can cause damage to the central nervous system, liver and heart. Phthalates is linked to birth defects, and Triclosan is a pesticide, and may even be a carcinogen. That was enough for me to start searching out a natural alternative. I tried Toms, and It didn’t work. The Trader Joe’s brand is working fine, but I would like something that smells nice, the TJs one doesn’t have a scent at all. It also has sodium hydroxide, which is toxic and can effect the nervous system, and  triethanolamine which is linked to causing cancer. Sooooo looks like I’m making my own. This is the recipe that was recommended to me. I have an order in with Young Living (my cousin is a rep! Check out her blog) for essential oils, so once they arrive I will make this!

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  • 1/3 cup coconut oil (solid state)
  • 1/4 cup baking soda (aluminum-free)
  • 1/4 cup arrowroot powder or corn starch (organic!!!)
  • essential oils (optional)
This is my finished product! I used lavender essential oil for my first batch!
This is my finished product! I used lavender essential oil for my first batch!

***Of course the day AFTER I published this blog, my oils arrived and I was able to make my own deodorant! I am really impressed! The scent of my oils is very light, and amazingly it lasts! I only apply once a day. The biggest thing to get used to is that it is not an antiperspirant. You still sweat, but you’re not stinky. Also, I had been taking a step back from other deodorants for a few months, so, there is a possibility that I had already been adjusting to not using the chemicals, I was told that if you just stop using deodorant eventually your body figures out its job and you don’t need it at all. I had been only using my Dove if I was out in public all day, which is rare for a stay at home mom, otherwise I was using the Trader Joe’s brand… and more and more I opted for nothing at all. That being said, as with many of these home concoctions, there may be an adjustment period.

I made 2 batches, one I put in a jar, the second I poured into an empty deodorant container, then I put it in the fridge to harden. It's awesome!!! I used a tea tree oil blend, it smells very clean!
I made 2 batches, one I put in a jar, the second I poured into an empty deodorant container, then I put it in the fridge to harden. It’s awesome!!! I used a tea tree oil blend, it smells very clean!

Face Scrub: (3 ingredients) I have struggled with acne for years, I have tried so many things, it was an exhausting ride. Last year I found this recipe for an acne scrub on Pinterest that I modified to work for me and it works! Now I only get a little acne if I eat dairy (my guilty pleasure). Otherwise my skin is clear and happy and I was able to ditch all my other facial products, no more toner pads that stung, yucky smelling astringent that smelled so strongly I gagged,drying moisturizers (yeah, figure THAT one out), cleansers, masques or spot treatments! All you need is sugar, organic honey and a (squeezed) lemon. Just mix it together, add lots of sugar so its very scrubby, and I scrub it on it the shower and leave it for abut 5 minutes while I shave or whatever. I only use it a few times a week and it’s awesome. You can add olive oil or jojoba for some moisturizer also.

 

This is settled so the lemon juice is on top, but when mixed it's very thick. you want your lemon scrub to be very sugary otherwise it won't scrub.
This is settled so the lemon juice is on top, but when mixed it’s very thick. you want your lemon scrub to be very sugary otherwise it won’t scrub.

Facial Cleanser: (2-3 ingredients) If a scrub isn’t what you need for your skin, add baking soda and some jojoba to water in any kind of container you’d like (a bottle with a pump is easiest, I think, maybe your old facial cleanser bottle?). This cleanser does exfoliate, but very gently. You can always add essential oils if you want it to smell yummy!

Moisturizer (body/face): At this point do I have to explain why I’m avoiding lotions? think carcinogens, parabens and preservatives! I used to use Everyday Shea body lotion from Lassens, and I LOVED the scent, and it’s paraben free, gluten free, fair trade yadayada… but it has Phenoxyethanol which can effect your hormones, so I have been using coconut oil as a cleanser/moisturizer in one step! I know how weird that sounds, but at this point are you surprised? Why? Well, coconut oil has like 100 uses (seriously, google it) and a few of them make it appropriate as a cleanser. Coconut oil is a great shaving cream, moisturizer, and it kills candida  which is a yeast. (It also is a great sexual lubricant!) I also have been using it as a face and body moisturizer, but only a very light layer. I take a very small scoop into my hands and rub it till it liquifies, then apply to my face neck and body. Adding essential oils can make a big difference, coconut oil on its own has a ver light soothing scent, so you absolutely don’t need to add anything, but if you want a scent, go for it. Adding tea tree oil gives it an added cleansing boost, it’s very good for your skin, so is lavender.

There is an adjustment period, after you quit using lotion, the first week I didn’t feel as soft, and I felt like the oil wasn’t really absorbing, by week two I had noticed a very significant difference! Give your body the chance to adjust to the lack of chemicals

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Tooth Paste: There is a lot of crap in toothpaste, chemicals, fluoride (can be used as an insecticide, is linked to thyroid problems and neurological problems), silica (harms teeth) carcinogens… I’m not saying it’s all terrible, but continuous exposure day after day, year after year, I believe THAT is worth considering.

I have been using home made toothpaste for a few weeks, this recipe lasts about a week if you’re brushing twice a day (As you should be! And flossing once a day!) It doesn’t taste good, especially if you don’t use the stevia. It’s salty. So I like to use a (home made) mouth wash after. My teeth feel very clean, even without the foaming I was so accustomed to. After a few days I was used to my new toothpaste.

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  • 1/4 cup baking soda
  • 1/8 cup coconut oil, melted
  • 1/8 cup hydrogen peroxide (4%) <— optional
  • 1/4 tsp stevia (liquid or powder)<— I did not use stevia
  • 2 tsp peppermint extract

Mouth Wash: I wanted a mouthwash because I 1/2 C. aloe vera juice1/4 C. water 1tsp. witch hazel 1tsp. baking soda (aloe juice is GREAT for oral health, you can simply gargle and swish with it.)

Body Wash: I have ditched body wash and started using coconut oil instead. A little on a loofa goes a long way and you are so silky! The best part is that you won’t need to use a moisturizer when you get out of the shower! Why did I ditch the soap? Well, coconut oil can do the job, and I don’t know what’s in the soap I was using, but I have a few ideas… In the shower I get a scoop of coconut oil (if you whip your coconut oil it won’t harden when it’s cole, and if you have ever used coconut oil, you know it’s no fun to fight with it while it’s in it’s solid state), I rub it into my hands so it’s liquified, and then into my loofa, (I like to use the loofa so that I don’t rub on a thick layer of Coconut oil, then feel oily) scrub as usual, no there are no suds and bubbles, but you can see and feel where the oil is because you can see the water droplets. For my lady bits, and arm pits I use a very small amount, rubbing it into my hands the same way to liquify it, then apply. Then I shave, and rinse. No need to moisturizer after your shower, but if you still feel you need it, apply the coconut oil the same way but rubbing it into your hands first, then to the area you want to moisturize.

The first week or so, it didn’t really seem to absorb, but by week two my skin was drinking it up! People have always told me I am very soft, (random complement) and I am still just as soft, if not softer. I have been using coconut oil for shaving as well, and it is such a close shave!

This is just a jar of organic coconut oil that I keep next to my shower, I use it as a body wash, moisturizer and for oil pulling in the morning. There is usually a spoon next to it. If you are not oil pulling with your coconut oil you can add essential oils!
This is just a jar of organic coconut oil that I keep next to my shower, I use it as a body wash, moisturizer and for oil pulling in the morning. There is usually a spoon next to it. If you are not oil pulling with your coconut oil you can add essential oils!

Oil Pulling: Oil pulling is probably the routine that tipped me from having healthy habits to borderline obsessed. A few months ago one of my besties mentioned that she was oil pulling, I had looked into it before, but I thought it was SUPER weird. The fact that my friend was doing it, prompted me to reconsider. But the thought of doing it in the mornings deterred me. Finally after a few other friends mentioned giving it a shot, curiosity got the best of me, and I tried. It’s been 3 months and I have been oil pulling 5-7 days a week. I had no idea what to expect, my teeth are nice and clean, and I feel good, that could have to do with the fact that I brush my teeth… but the one thing I did not expect is that my dandruff would vanish. I have been struggling with dandruff since last summer, I never had issues before, and I don’t know where the issues came from, but I had switched to Wen (the conditioning cleanser you see on informercials), it did make my hair REALLY soft, but my scalp seemed to be worse. I tried vinegar, and head and shoulders and the only thing that “worked” (and by worked I mean “managed” it) was washing my hair all of the time. Within 2 weeks of oil pulling, I stopped getting dandruff! So, I’m hooked!

What is oil pulling? You wake up in the morning and before eating, drinking or brushing your teeth, you put 1-2 teaspoons of coconut oil (there are other oil options but coconut seems less weird to me) into your mouth and you swish. Well, you’ll probably chew a little until it turns to liquid, then you swish for 20 minutes. Yup, TWENTY MINUTES. If I can do it with my embarrassingly sensitive gag reflex, then anyone can. After 20 minutes you spit it into your trash can. You don’t want to spit it down a drain because it’s full of toxins and coconut oil hardens when it’s cold, so you don’t want to ruin your pipes. Then rinse your mouth with salt water to make sure all the toxins are out, then you can brush as usual (with your home made tooth paste).

Why would you swish with coconut oil for twenty minutes? Well, apparently it’s an ancient practice, and the coconut oil pulls toxins from your mouth and naturally detoxifies your body. It whitens teeth, and clears up gingivitis, relieves headaches, it’s GREAT after a night when you’ve had too much to drink. Some people even say it energizes them and their metabolism has picked up.

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As you can see, I use coconut oil daily and it really is my go-to product. There are 50 plus uses for coconut oil, it is unreal that one “food” can be used for so much!

This picture was floating around Facebook. Be sure to use ORGANIC!
This picture was floating around Facebook. Be sure to use ORGANIC!
All the ingredients for laundry detergent!
All the ingredients for laundry detergent!

Laundry Detergent: Last year I made this laundry detergent from a recipe a friend gave me (that she had found on Pinterest, of course) It smells so clean and works amazingly! I still have plenty, over a year later because you only use 1-2 tablespoons. I have given samples to so many friends and most of them have gone out and made their own batches. I hope you enjoy this as much as my family does!

1 (4lb) box of borax
1(3lb) box of arm and hammer washing soda
1(3lb) container of oxy clean
2 (14.1oz) bars zote soap
1(4lb) box of arm and hammer baking soda
1-2(55oz) bottles of Purex crystals fabric softener
Grate the soap (grater or food processor) use fine side of grate into large mixing bowl. Mix well in 5 gallon bucket. Use 1-2 tbs per load. You can put the powder in the old Purex bottle and use the lid to measure it out so you’re not digging into the big bucket all of the time. (I like to store mine in empty Unstoppables containers, because I am obsessed with the lavender scented ones!)

My laundry necessities. I can't give up fabric softener or Unstoppables yet! But I made the detergent thanks to an awesome recipe on Pinterest!
My laundry necessities. I can’t give up fabric softener or Unstoppables yet! But I made the detergent thanks to an awesome recipe on Pinterest!

Eye Makeup Remover: 1 tbs Vitamin E, 2oz olive oil, 2 oz witch hazel Fits perfectly in a clean and empty spice jar from Trader Joes! I have not started making my own makeup, but I am at least cleaning it off with out chemicals!

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Home made cleaners: You can use hydrogen peroxide to clean just about everything. So stick a sprayer in the hydrogen peroxide bottle and get cleaning! Or use dish soap and vinegar (in water) for kitchen and bathroom cleaning. You can leave it on stains then come back and rinse it off. The vinegar smell does go away fast.

Glass Cleaner:

  • 1 cup Water
  • 1/4 cup White Vinegar
  • 2 to 3 drops Dawn Dish Soap
  • Empty Spray Bottle

If you’re not into DIY cleaners, I suggest Melaleuca products. I love them and have used them on and off for years. I have peace of mind that if my kiddos get a hold of my cleaners, they won’t go blind, or die.

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So, that’s all I’ve got so far, I will update this in a few months and let you know how it’s all going. As of now, I am really enjoying my projects and my husband thinks I’m nuts. Really, he’s like, “Where did the soap go? Coconut oil? That’s not soap, that’s food… Are we out of shampoo? No I’m not putting baking soda in my hair, that’s for baking. I need REAL deodorant, I’m  a man. I think you’re becoming a hippy. Are you gonna stop shaving?” I’m just slowly switching things out hoping he’ll accept it, just kidding. But really, the coconut oil is growing on him, men have to put up a fight, it’s in the DNA. To be fair, I had read about No Poo long before actually doing it, same with a lot of these things. I think we come around when we are ready, so it’s OK if you are on my hubby’s team thinking I’ve gone nuts, and I don’t judge anyone who uses Crest toothpaste, or Dove deodorant, just like I don’t judge anyone who eats a hamburger or GMOs. I’m just sharing.

I want to say a thank you to Candace who convinced me to oil pull, Alexis who started the No Poo journey with me, if she hadn’t started, I don’t know if I would have done it! My cousin Hannah for being way crunchier than us and having answers to all of my no poo related questions. (Having  crunchy friends makes doing these crazy things THAT much more fun!) And the biggest THANK YOU to my amazing patient husband, James who is putting up with all of this.

One year later! Read my update! Talk Hippy To Me (a year of No Poo)

I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself

I remember very distinctly, about 9 years ago, standing in a car port in the middle of the night smoking a cigarette watching my best friend drive away. He had just essentially broken up with me. (It’s not what you think, he’s gay, so when I say best friend, I do mean a completely platonic friendship.) As his tail lights vanished around a corner I marveled in the realization that someone who I felt was just as fucked up as me… if not MORE fucked up than me, had actually called me out. He had driven 20 miles to tell me that he was worried for me, and it hurt him to see me self destruct.

I took one last puff, dropped my cigarette on the concrete, stepped on it and walked away. I didn’t think much about the conversation, not one red flag shot out at me, I was so deep in a sick and toxic place I couldn’t see love when it looked me in the eyes. I had to hit rock bottom. I didn’t know it yet, but the next 2 years would be the hardest, scariest and darkest days of my life.

Looking back I wish I had really heard what he said to me, I wish it had sunk in and impacted my decisions, but it didn’t. Over the years I have not forgotten his words, so I suppose they were waiting for me to hear them.

Believe it or not, I did learn something from that moment. You cannot help someone who is not willing to help themselves. There is one thing you can do: LOVE. And sometimes love means letting go, particularly if it hurts you when you watch someone you love circle the drain. My friend let go, but he never left. He just refused to be my savior anymore. No more drunken 2am phone calls to pick me up from who-knows-where. No more holding my hair over the toilet while I cried and apologized, promising this would be the last time. He couldn’t do it anymore.

I have this friend whom I love deeply. She’s one of my oldest friends and closest. For the last few years I have watched her destroy every chance of happiness, and every opportunity for love that has crossed her path. It is like she intentionally chose the worst, least compatible, controlling, and twisted man. And god forbid anyone points it out. If you do, be prepared for her to do something to rub it in your face, like, for instance, she secretly married him. Knowing he has anger issues, knowing he’s abusive, knowing he is a terrible parent, knowing he has no respect for women, having heard him call her two best friends c**ts, experiencing him stalk her and harass her… She married him. She didn’t tell anyone, because when you do something so effing stupid why the hell would you tell anyone? The crazy part is she thought she could keep it hidden. The sad part is I am her best friend and she lied for months. Looking back I’m realizing how many times she lied to me. She knew I didn’t approve so she hid her relationship, her pregnancy, her wedding…

And you know what? I was there through EVERYTHING. I never let go, every time a lie came out I let it roll off my back, I forgave her because that’s what you do when you love someone. But the lying never stopped. Another lie came out today. I thought we were done with this, her divorce is almost final, she has a new life, a boyfriend who loves her so completely, who flipped his entire life upside down to accommodate her, and she sabotaged it. And for the last 3 years, her lies have all revolved around this jackass. At some point you have to see that HE is a problem!!!

Just 7 months ago friend’s of mine bent over backwards to help her get into a safe place, get back on her feet, and take control of her life, this is not the first time someone had to save her… and evidently it’s not the last considering recent developments. I’m tired. I’m hurt. But how do I keep making excuses? I have been excusing her behavior for years.

This part of me feels like I owe her. She stuck around while I was living my life in ways she didn’t approve. She’s been there, she’s been my alibi too many times to count, she’s come to the rescue when I’m in over my head… but the difference is that I am honest with her. If I do something stupid, I own it, in fact, chances are I’m telling her about it before I do it! I don’t hide things from her. Because friends are supposed to be honest with each other. Wether we agree with the other person, or not.

So maybe I’m hurt that she doesn’t feel like she can be honest with me. I know… I’m opinionated. Outspoken. I don’t think before I speak… ever. But I don’t care how stupid you are, if I love you I love you.

And I love her. It’s time for her to help herself. Maybe she doesn’t want to be happy? Maybe she can’t see the big picture, the people she’s hurting, the innocent little girl that is tagging along while her mother is too busy messing up their lives. I don’t know, but… if you’re reading this: I can’t help you until you help yourself.