While I was jogging tonight, I was reflecting, as usual, it begins with today, and inevitably I am taken to a deeper place, my healing place. It’s the only time my thoughts are rarely interrupted. A quote I read has stuck with me for weeks now, “When you say yes to someone, make sure you’re not saying no to yourself.” Those were the words I needed to unleash the bitterness and resentments I was holding. I have said NO to myself over and over for so long, that once I started to say YES, I felt… guilty.
Years ago I was stoned in a bathroom with my friend, and I was peeing on a stick. This situation was absolutely hysterical to us, and looking back, maybe I needed some emotional lubrication for this life changing moment. Somewhere, in a sober part of my mind I knew that if this little digital fortune teller said, “Pregnant”, I was going to be a mother. The weird part is that I REALLY wanted it to say “Not Pregnant”. Like REALLY. I did not want a baby, I did not want to be responsible for someone else… I did not want to be responsible for myself. Why then did I know I was going to have this baby? Not because I’m pro-life, I’m not, I’m die hard pro-choice. I had only been with my boyfriend at the time for a few months. He was the nicest of all of my past relationships. Having jumped unceremoniously from an abusive relationship to this “safe” relationship, I was… unprepared, to say the least. When I started dating him, EVERYONE approved. This was the first time in my life that my family was supportive of a relationship I was in. My friends gushed about how great he was. I don’t know how I felt, looking back. I think I held on to all of the positive things I knew, and what my friends and family said, and I thought that I could make this work. I could be with the nice guy, and although I have intimacy issues, maybe those will fade in time, and I will grow to fall in love. On paper we were great, our signs matched! (Until years later we actually did our charts and learned that on the surface, yes, it looked pretty, but ultimately we were not compatible.) All of a sudden, I have missed my period, I’m throwing up, and I know, if I don’t have this baby I will ruin any chance I had with him. He would resent me because he always wanted a family, I had seen it before. When the stick announced that I was in fact pregnant, I laughed. My friend thought that meant it was negative…
That was one of the biggest times I said yes to someone else, and said no to myself. I paid for it, dearly. I spent the next 9 months throwing up, fighting- and losing a battle with depression, I got horrible acne, I gained 65 pounds, I lost friends, and my little spark of a “Perfect on Paper” relationship crumbled. I rationalized it. I deserved all of this for not wanting this baby. If I stuck it out long enough, eventually the relationship would work. I had to be a good mom, somehow, I swore to her that no matter what, I would never leave her, I would grow to love her, too. I committed to give this little girl all of the things my mother was unable to give me. But I wasn’t happy about it. By saying yes to having this baby, I was stuck for the next 18+ years. (I did fall in love with Baby Jo. It was a relief.)
I continued with this pattern of thinking, and became very bitter. Bitter with my ex, bitter with the “church” that instilled this sick ideology in my head, bitter with my family for encouraging this ridiculousness, bitter with my friends for not understanding, bitter with my mother for not being there when I was little, bitter with myself for not sticking up for myself, for holding back the truth for years, and for this deep dark anger that I had never seen before. I started push positive people out of my life, and fed off of the negativity of other people. People who don’t trust anyone, who keep their hearts closed off, lonely people. They were my validation.
Recently I went through a period were I lashed out at people. People I love so much. I was so full of bitterness, I just exploded. A lot of what was said was true, some of it was just my insecurities and fear. I saw this change, I saw this growth in me, and I was not ready to let it take root. So I punished everyone around me, instead of taking responsibility and growing up. I was so afraid to lose people, that I let go of them instead.
Slowly my heart softened. My fiance, Mr. Positive turned my world upside down. He dissolved my intimacy insecurities, and showed me how happy I could be. How happy our life could be, crazy and hectic as it is, he showed me what is really important. For a while I stayed in the shallow end of positive thinking. I did not want to jinx it, and I was holding on to my old life, where I had time to spend with my friends, I had time to chat on the phone, I could have some resemblance of a social life. Now, in reality, unless you want to have a play date, we are probably not hanging out. As for phone calls, I have no idea when I will have a chance to answer, let alone talk. I’m OK with this. As new and life changing suddenly parenting 2 more kids is, and having a consistent schedule, and virtually no free time, I love it! It has helped me weed out the negativity. It has helped me focus on what is important. My family is important. I’m sorry to all of my friends that I have not communicated with, if it were not or Facebook and being able to “like” a few statuses, I don’t know that I would do! So, yes I feel a loss, but I have used all of that sadness and turned it into positive energy. I am taking care of me, I am taking care of my kiddos, I am happy in my relationship, and I am building a business! I am healthier than i have ever been, and working daily to become healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. I have a long way to go, it’s OK, though, I love having a goal! I feel really good about these changes, and it doesn’t really matter to me anymore if all my family and friends approve. If they love me, they will stick around, if not, I have my amazing supportive fiance, and my awesome kids. So… deep breath in with the good (1…2…3…4…5…) and out with the bad(1…2…3…4…5…).
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