Bridesmaidzilla!

Last night as I was skimming through my Facebook news feed I came across an adorable picture, It was a box with herbal soap, a face mask, nail polish, and a few other things, and there was a card that said, “I can’t say “I do” without you”, and in the lid it said, “Will you be my bridesmaid?” I thought it was the cutest way to ask your friends to be a part of one of the biggest days of your life.

I’m getting married, so of course I thought, who will I build my boxes for, and what will they look like? I was very immediately crushed when I realized that I don’t have my friends anymore. I’m not saying I don’t have friends, I’m just saying, things have changed. When I got engaged I immediately planned about 6 bridesmaids, there was no question in my head, these women have been supportive, and have stuck by me, they love me, they love my daughter… who better to share these awesome experiences with?

Unfortunately, my little fairy tale wedding plans went down the drain very quickly. Within weeks the thought of my wedding gave me anxiety, and conversations about it often ended in tears. I couldn’t understand, I was so happy, I was finally going to marry the man of my dreams, I had the fairy tale engagement! Things were supposed to be happy! But they were terrible. My friends all had their own ideas, and were not willing to work together, one friend all but hated 4 of my bridesmaid choices, one of them lives out of town and felt left out and bitter because she really couldn’t be involved in the plans as much as she wanted to, and she didn’t like 3 of my bridesmaid choices. Me and most of my potential bridesmaids dislike (to say the least) one of my bridesmaid’s husbands, so much, in fact that I have no intention of even inviting him to the wedding, which will cause problems, and the last thing I want to do is force her to choose between us… but he no doubt will give her an ultimatum, one that I won’t be competing with. In the past I have lost, and I can’t take that kind of heart break, especially over my wedding.

Fast forward to today… I’m not even on speaking terms with my potential maid of honor, I’m only superficial friends with one of them. The one with the husband doesn’t feel like she can be honest with me, although she tries… and thanks to this new development, who knows if she will even be able to attend my wedding. I don’t even know what’s going on with my out of town friend, but if my dreams are any indication… I don’t have high hopes. Another one has pulled away because she owes me money (that I don’t care that much about, but the fact that she is blowing me off over it… that’s just wrong.)

If you had seen me with any one of these women a few months ago, you’d think nothing could separate us. Now I’m afraid to pick up my phone to call them. I have responsibility to take. The past few months have been so busy! I recently became a step mom, and a work at home mom. I did not have a decent phone for months, so I could not even talk to my friends on the phone. I don’t have a car so I had to end my usual Saturday happy hour/shopping girl time plans, plus I started working weekends to save up for the wedding. Not to mention, I had a few melt downs that effected my friendships negatively. Looking back I see it clearly, my wedding was basically a battle field, and I felt like I was caught between 6 people. I started lashing out, I must have been subconsciously trying to make them hate me so I wouldn’t have to keep up with so many high maintenance relationships.

I miss my friends. Thanks to all of this, there may not be any bridesmaid boxes. In fact, we have decided to have a destination wedding. It’s simpler this way, and it won’t hurt as bad when 6 of the women that I love so much are not there. But it hurts now, it hurts whenever I get a chance to actually pick up my phone, when I want to share my life, ask advice, laugh. I don’t have anyone to call anymore. I mean, yes, there are people I’m sure I could call, but a few months ago I had 6 people on speed dial, they were my life lines. Granted I am not in need of as much venting time anymore, I’m a lot happier than I was. I also don’t have as much time, but I would gladly make some time to catch up with my friends.

To the 6 of you, I want you to know that I am sorry I did not appreciate you when I had you, and I love you.

***DISCLAIMER: I am super excited about our wedding plans!!! I’ll write a whole blog about the beautiful tropical location we chose!***

***ALSO, I did not include my sisters in the 6 because neither of them caused drama, and they go without saying***

Live and Let Live

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Today is the first day the the word “ego” resonated with me. I have heard the word used a lot, especially having grown up in a home with recovering alcoholics. My brain always replaced the word “ego” with “prideful”, and for some reason I never identified with either word… until today. My ego is on steroids and it is so cunning that I did not even realize it had taken over.

 

I knew there was a problem a few months ago, I had been overreacting, and over thinking, and fighting. My ego has been fighting me to the death, and my response was to fight everyone around me. What I did not- could not realize was that I was allowing my inner battle between my heart and my ego get in the way of my life. I have talked about it before, in terms of my relationships, how I really had to break down my walls, and sit with myself (naked), and just be. It has always been a struggle for me to be intimate because the WORD was hard for me to say without gagging! I don’t mean sex, I mean true intimacy, holding hands, honesty, being close, crying, making love, all of that was a foreign concept to me for a long time. Looking back, I can see now, it’s my ego.

 

My ego has been in defense mode, never wavering ever since I fell in love. It was like, suddenly I had to be me, and prove myself, and not let myself get lost. Suddenly my opinions became bigger than just things I think, but things EVERYONE should think, and if you disagree with me, well, fuck you! I would listen to myself and think, “Okay, okay, calm down, it’s not worth it, it’s not gonna change anything, you can’t change their mind.” But my ego was screaming, “No, don’t give up! You can’t lose, they won’t take you seriously if you give in!” I pushed friends away, I pushed family members away. My ego said, “You are hurt, she hurt you, she deserves to hear the truth, no don’t stop just because she is crying, she deserves to feel pain, and this is nothing in comparison to what she made you live with.” The funny thing is that my relationship with James is awesome, we talk about everything, and yes we get heated, but for some reason, I can fight my ego off, tell her to shut up and reach for his hand, no matter how irritated I am. He is the only one I can fight my ego for.

 

The election really made it evident that my ego was getting out of control. While I still absolutely believe very particular things that I will refrain from typing here because… honestly because my ego wants me to. My ego wants me to tell you how you should vote, how you should believe, who should or should not have rights. My ego wants to tell you that you’re wrong for having or not having faith. My ego just whispered, if you don’t write it, nobody will take you seriously, they will think you don’t have facts and reasons. They will blow you off.

 

I spent YEARS being blown off. It’s the hardest thing for me to handle, and one I do not handle gracefully. If someone waves away my words, shakes them off and walks away when I am expressing myself (not necessarily about politics, but in general), I will raise my voice and stomp my feet and use profanity, because I am talking dammit! My ego has been bitch slapped so many times, and once I let my ego get big enough, she swore never to let anyone take advantage again. I became an expert arguer. And I’m not gonna lie, I like it. Not arguing with James, I don’t want to hurt him, and we agree more often than not, anyways. But with other people who put their opinions out there. Facebook has become my battle ground. Being as opinionated as I am, I post articles on things I think are important, just like many others. The problem is if I see your opinion. Agree, or disagree, I will say my thoughts, and someone may get offended. My ego says we say things because we want to enlighten people. My heart says it’s not our job.

 

I’m not saying I’m gonna stop posting my opinions, but I will definitely try to turn a blind eye to things that I will never be able to change. There are people who I pick on, not to be mean, but because I care, and I don’t think it comes off that way. And eventually my ego gets in the way, and it’s not fun and games anymore. I think I have offended a lot of people, and it was not my intention. It’s not my place to tell anyone how to believe, maybe growing up being told what to believe, how to behave, what to wear, having my life dictated has given me the impression that it’s my job to fix everyone around me. It’s not my job, it’s not my place, and who am I to say who anyone should be. In my heart I do believe you all are special, and those of you who have opinions, I think it’s great, I appreciate you for having a thought in your head, and even if I don’t agree with you, I’m making an effort now, to live and let live.

It must be love.

Why am I not motivated to blog??? I have really slacked off, and it’s not that I don’t have things to say, it’s getting in front of the computer and and pouring out my heart, it’s draining. Lately I have felt very emotionally drained. While I have so much physical energy, it’s like there is just too much to do and every time I think I’m gonna blog today somehow everything else is more important. It’s funny that today I have done all my chores, and have a sick kid, and i’m babysitting, and here I am, finally writing.

A few weeks ago my fiance and I got into a HUGE argument. We don’t usually fight, things will get a little heated occasionally, usually over parenting, but this… This was out of control. We were so angry at each other! What’s worse is it lasted 2 days!!! That has never happened before! (And hopefully never will again!) Don’t worry I’m not gonna tell you about the fight, I wanted to share an epiphany I had DURING the 2 Day War.

When I am pissed, don’t touch me. I can’t feel close to someone or vulnerable when I am angry. It was so uncomfortable to not touch, normally James and I will pass each other in the kitchen and kiss, or hug, maybe even just touch each other on the back or shoulder, we might not say anything, and sometimes I don’t think we notice we do it. When we watch TV we hold hands, or I’ll lean on him. I have never been in a relationship where I touched someone so often, and it’s not sexual (well sometimes), it’s comforting. It makes me feel close to him, I feel safe and loved. Before I was with James when I saw people be affectionate with their significant other I would feel uncomfortable, I couldn’t understand why anyone would  feel close enough… I could not believe people LIKED each other enough! Here I am now grossing out all of my friends because I can’t keep my hands off of my man! So you can imagine the awkwardness when we were fighting. The funny thing is both nights, even though we were ticked the eff off, after laying in bed as far from him as I could be without falling off the bed, eventually I would find his hand, which led to hid arm around me. It took a lot to swallow my pride and touch him, but it hurt so bad that we were not touching.

The other day my friend said, “When you are fighting with someone you love it’s like your entire world is falling apart.” No truer words have been said! When we were fighting I was so scared!!! It’s not that I really thought it was over, but I did have that fear and I felt crazy! I needed to fix it!! I loved him so much I couldn’t handle the thought that maybe, possibly, we would not make up. Of course we did, but it had to get worse before it got better, and it was heart wrenching.

I guess my point is that if you can still bring yourself to touch someone when you are THAT angry, if you want to touch them but your pride is stopping you, but you DO anyway, it MUST be love.

We are the goofballs in the middle
We are the goofballs in the middle

Happily Ever After… reminiscing <3

On May 10th my friend and I were having a “Disneyland prep sleepover”. We were planning our outfits, makeup, hair, deciding to wake up at 4am, snacking on black bean taquitos and salsa, and having a Castle marathon. I love Disneyland, and was lucky enough to be invited to go with her for the second time that month, free, and my stepmom was coming! Disneyland means tapping into my childhood, it’s an excuse to wear a tutu. I love tutus. My outfit of choice this trip was a silver and black corset with a pink tutu and a Jack Skellington top hat. All of us, actually wore tutus! We had a blast arriving when the park opened and going on every ride we could manage!

Around 5pm my friend and stepmom got weird. All of a sudden they seemed to have an agenda at the exact same time as the parade. Our plans changed several times in only a few minutes, and all of a sudden my friend had had desperate need to go to Snow White’s Wishing Well. We had actually already made our wishes, a Disneyland tradition. Upon arrival, after digging a few quarters out of my purse and handing one to my friend and my stepmom, I turned to make a wish and all of a sudden I hear my boyfriends voice over my shoulder.

“What are you doing here?” I asked after hugging him

James: “Surprise! Please don’t be mad!” (I don’t like surprises, by the way.)

Me: “I’m not… I’m just confused, I thought you were working…”

At this point my friend and stepmom say they are gonna give us some alone time. OK, now I am REALLY confused. James is practically shaking, he must have really thought I was going to be upset, and why the heck had my friends disappeared? We walked toward my favorite part of Disneyland, New Orleans Square, to go on the Haunted Mansion, and all of a sudden he wants to go to the Nightmare Before Christmas store. I was so confused by his behavior and his obvious nervousness , I was just baffled.

Right behind this little shop is a beautiful staircase. It’s one of my favorite somewhat secluded places at Disneyland. We walked out and he asked if we could take a picture on the stairs, and went to ask someone to take the picture for us. We took one picture, and he turned to me and said he needed to ask me a question, pulled a box out of his pocked, and got down on one knee… I was so shocked, when he asked my response was, “Are you serious?”

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It was a fairy tale come true. We were both nervous wrecks afterward! It’s so funny, we just did not know how to act around each other. We went on Haunted Mansion and were still so jittery. We decided it was time to a glass of wine to sooth our nerves. We stayed overnight, and spent the next day at the Happiest Place On Earth for the beginning of our Happily Ever After.

almost a year later in "Our spot"