Why am I not motivated to blog??? I have really slacked off, and it’s not that I don’t have things to say, it’s getting in front of the computer and and pouring out my heart, it’s draining. Lately I have felt very emotionally drained. While I have so much physical energy, it’s like there is just too much to do and every time I think I’m gonna blog today somehow everything else is more important. It’s funny that today I have done all my chores, and have a sick kid, and i’m babysitting, and here I am, finally writing.
A few weeks ago my fiance and I got into a HUGE argument. We don’t usually fight, things will get a little heated occasionally, usually over parenting, but this… This was out of control. We were so angry at each other! What’s worse is it lasted 2 days!!! That has never happened before! (And hopefully never will again!) Don’t worry I’m not gonna tell you about the fight, I wanted to share an epiphany I had DURING the 2 Day War.
When I am pissed, don’t touch me. I can’t feel close to someone or vulnerable when I am angry. It was so uncomfortable to not touch, normally James and I will pass each other in the kitchen and kiss, or hug, maybe even just touch each other on the back or shoulder, we might not say anything, and sometimes I don’t think we notice we do it. When we watch TV we hold hands, or I’ll lean on him. I have never been in a relationship where I touched someone so often, and it’s not sexual (well sometimes), it’s comforting. It makes me feel close to him, I feel safe and loved. Before I was with James when I saw people be affectionate with their significant other I would feel uncomfortable, I couldn’t understand why anyone would feel close enough… I could not believe people LIKED each other enough! Here I am now grossing out all of my friends because I can’t keep my hands off of my man! So you can imagine the awkwardness when we were fighting. The funny thing is both nights, even though we were ticked the eff off, after laying in bed as far from him as I could be without falling off the bed, eventually I would find his hand, which led to hid arm around me. It took a lot to swallow my pride and touch him, but it hurt so bad that we were not touching.
The other day my friend said, “When you are fighting with someone you love it’s like your entire world is falling apart.” No truer words have been said! When we were fighting I was so scared!!! It’s not that I really thought it was over, but I did have that fear and I felt crazy! I needed to fix it!! I loved him so much I couldn’t handle the thought that maybe, possibly, we would not make up. Of course we did, but it had to get worse before it got better, and it was heart wrenching.
I guess my point is that if you can still bring yourself to touch someone when you are THAT angry, if you want to touch them but your pride is stopping you, but you DO anyway, it MUST be love.