The God Thing

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For such a small person, I seem to have an overload of “issues”. I am so tired of caring so much! I am in a constant struggle to find the middle ground, but my ego is fighting for black or white. I have always been neutral about religion, it doesn’t sound like it sometimes, but in reality, believe what you want. Who am I to say what is what? No, personally I do not believe in the Christian god, but I have friends and family who do. I love and respect them, and am thankful for their hearts, and convictions. Besides certain literal inconsistencies, my real aversion to Christianity is people. I grew up saturated in hypocrisy. Not everyone involved was as harmful, but for a child to grow up in such a huge group of liars, you can imagine my discomfort with Christians. It was embedded in my brain for my entire childhood, 2 years old to 16 years old, that this “church” was the ONE AND ONLY way to God. A god I had no real concept of. God is a very difficult concept if you think about it. Actually for some, it is a very simple concept… God is a security blanket, a reason for everything. Humans are constantly wondering “Why?” and if the answer is “God.”… there is no further reason to search. For some reason The God Thing never fit right. I know people who are so comforted by the thought of God, but here I am, here I have always been, feeling uncomfortable, confused and alone. I know all of the arguments, I studied The Bible, I went to church, I was even baptized, which is shocking, I’m sure to those of you who know me (I can even walk into a church without bursting into flames!).

So, if my question is “Why?” and the answer is “God.”, then my real question is “HOW?”

I think I know what God is. And the answer is simple, the journey to achieving “God”… not so simple.

God is inner peace.

You might hate that I over simplified the master of the universe, and there is no need to get offended. I’m not saying you’re wrong. In fact, I’m saying you’re right! If you’re thoughts on your god comfort you, if you are able to give your problems to your god, if you are able to “let go and let God”, then your god is inner peace. I know religion tells us there is ONE GOD and ONE WAY and ONE CHURCH, and there are rules and guidelines. In that case, what I’m saying can’t possibly be true, right? OK, well, I want you to know that you are probably right. Which one of you? Which religion? Which god? I don’t know, but someone has to be right, right?

Or we can just say the truth, we don’t know, which is true, and we may never know. But for the sake of my health, I’m going with inner peace. I’ve tried the traditional god, and then I gave up. I gave up on all of it, I spent years being lost, angry and lonely. I’m ready to find Peace now.

For as long as I can remember I have been attracted to yoga. I love breathing through the discomfort, and stretching every muscle. I love that you have to focus on breathing only, (even though I have horrible balance and have to sometimes focus on balancing). I love how quiet and peaceful yoga is. Lately I have found a lot of comfort in yoga, and thanks to beginning to read Eat Pray Love, I have been inspired to learn more about it, which, honestly is what sent me on this mission to find Peace.

The first interesting thing about yoga is that yogis use/used it to help them meditate. When you meditate, you are supposed to sit still and focus on nothing, clear your mind… this is not an easy task, I have tried and failed many times. However if you are sitting for hours in one position your back is bound to get sore, and it’s hard to clear your mind when you are in pain. So, if you practice yoga, you strengthen your muscles, and massage them, you stretch them out, and you feel great. Then you can sit for a few hours in one position and focus on nothing. And by nothing I mean God and by God I mean Peace.

This is where prayer comes in. I have a serious unnatural fear of prayer. I mean I am flat out distrubed by prayer. I feel anxious simply thinking about praying. My heart is racing right now as I type because prayer freaks me out! You’d think I’m writing about spiders! The funny thing is that I believe in the power of prayer. I have read studies and witnessed miraculous recoveries, I believe in prayer, but I cannot bring myself to do it. For a log time my reason was that I don’t believe in god. Obviously I was not about to pray to something that I don’t believe exists. So that should really be the end of my prayer debacle.It’s not… because prayer works. I believe prayer works because people put so much positive energy into the universe, and energy is powerful, even more powerful with solid faith behind it. So many people pray, to so many different things, and everyone seems to think that whoever/whatever they are praying to is “the one” because they all seem to work. This makes me think that everyone is praying to the same “thing”.

But why can’t I pray???

It must be my ego, my shattered ego that can’t stand the thought of being burned by faith again. There was one other time in my life that my ego wouldn’t allow me to do something… My ego would not let me fall in love. For years I would not let go, I would not let my walls be broken, or even cracked. I kept my relationships on the surface. I could not be intimate, or honest. My ego was protecting my heart because we had been shattered to pieces , and the healing process took years. I had been so naive, and I paid the price. I guess The God Thing is similar, I was just as heart broken by my church as I was by a boy. I learned my lesson. I am so glad that I found my fiance, and that I finally did break down my walls with him. But it was scary, and a long process. It was humbling. My ego didn’t like it. So it makes sense that my ego is fighting longer and harder for my faith.

I want to pray to the universe, I want to feel a connection to the world, I want to put my faith out there, and believe in affirmations. I want to let go! To let go of negativity, to stop fighting the world, to stop fighting myself. These things are scary for me, it’s scary to type, it’s scary to say. I know I should ask the universe for inner peace… but I can’t yet. For some reason I’m not there. I’m scared of the answer.

OH PS: We got married in August 2013!

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Live and Let Live

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Today is the first day the the word “ego” resonated with me. I have heard the word used a lot, especially having grown up in a home with recovering alcoholics. My brain always replaced the word “ego” with “prideful”, and for some reason I never identified with either word… until today. My ego is on steroids and it is so cunning that I did not even realize it had taken over.

 

I knew there was a problem a few months ago, I had been overreacting, and over thinking, and fighting. My ego has been fighting me to the death, and my response was to fight everyone around me. What I did not- could not realize was that I was allowing my inner battle between my heart and my ego get in the way of my life. I have talked about it before, in terms of my relationships, how I really had to break down my walls, and sit with myself (naked), and just be. It has always been a struggle for me to be intimate because the WORD was hard for me to say without gagging! I don’t mean sex, I mean true intimacy, holding hands, honesty, being close, crying, making love, all of that was a foreign concept to me for a long time. Looking back, I can see now, it’s my ego.

 

My ego has been in defense mode, never wavering ever since I fell in love. It was like, suddenly I had to be me, and prove myself, and not let myself get lost. Suddenly my opinions became bigger than just things I think, but things EVERYONE should think, and if you disagree with me, well, fuck you! I would listen to myself and think, “Okay, okay, calm down, it’s not worth it, it’s not gonna change anything, you can’t change their mind.” But my ego was screaming, “No, don’t give up! You can’t lose, they won’t take you seriously if you give in!” I pushed friends away, I pushed family members away. My ego said, “You are hurt, she hurt you, she deserves to hear the truth, no don’t stop just because she is crying, she deserves to feel pain, and this is nothing in comparison to what she made you live with.” The funny thing is that my relationship with James is awesome, we talk about everything, and yes we get heated, but for some reason, I can fight my ego off, tell her to shut up and reach for his hand, no matter how irritated I am. He is the only one I can fight my ego for.

 

The election really made it evident that my ego was getting out of control. While I still absolutely believe very particular things that I will refrain from typing here because… honestly because my ego wants me to. My ego wants me to tell you how you should vote, how you should believe, who should or should not have rights. My ego wants to tell you that you’re wrong for having or not having faith. My ego just whispered, if you don’t write it, nobody will take you seriously, they will think you don’t have facts and reasons. They will blow you off.

 

I spent YEARS being blown off. It’s the hardest thing for me to handle, and one I do not handle gracefully. If someone waves away my words, shakes them off and walks away when I am expressing myself (not necessarily about politics, but in general), I will raise my voice and stomp my feet and use profanity, because I am talking dammit! My ego has been bitch slapped so many times, and once I let my ego get big enough, she swore never to let anyone take advantage again. I became an expert arguer. And I’m not gonna lie, I like it. Not arguing with James, I don’t want to hurt him, and we agree more often than not, anyways. But with other people who put their opinions out there. Facebook has become my battle ground. Being as opinionated as I am, I post articles on things I think are important, just like many others. The problem is if I see your opinion. Agree, or disagree, I will say my thoughts, and someone may get offended. My ego says we say things because we want to enlighten people. My heart says it’s not our job.

 

I’m not saying I’m gonna stop posting my opinions, but I will definitely try to turn a blind eye to things that I will never be able to change. There are people who I pick on, not to be mean, but because I care, and I don’t think it comes off that way. And eventually my ego gets in the way, and it’s not fun and games anymore. I think I have offended a lot of people, and it was not my intention. It’s not my place to tell anyone how to believe, maybe growing up being told what to believe, how to behave, what to wear, having my life dictated has given me the impression that it’s my job to fix everyone around me. It’s not my job, it’s not my place, and who am I to say who anyone should be. In my heart I do believe you all are special, and those of you who have opinions, I think it’s great, I appreciate you for having a thought in your head, and even if I don’t agree with you, I’m making an effort now, to live and let live.