Today is the first day the the word “ego” resonated with me. I have heard the word used a lot, especially having grown up in a home with recovering alcoholics. My brain always replaced the word “ego” with “prideful”, and for some reason I never identified with either word… until today. My ego is on steroids and it is so cunning that I did not even realize it had taken over.
I knew there was a problem a few months ago, I had been overreacting, and over thinking, and fighting. My ego has been fighting me to the death, and my response was to fight everyone around me. What I did not- could not realize was that I was allowing my inner battle between my heart and my ego get in the way of my life. I have talked about it before, in terms of my relationships, how I really had to break down my walls, and sit with myself (naked), and just be. It has always been a struggle for me to be intimate because the WORD was hard for me to say without gagging! I don’t mean sex, I mean true intimacy, holding hands, honesty, being close, crying, making love, all of that was a foreign concept to me for a long time. Looking back, I can see now, it’s my ego.
My ego has been in defense mode, never wavering ever since I fell in love. It was like, suddenly I had to be me, and prove myself, and not let myself get lost. Suddenly my opinions became bigger than just things I think, but things EVERYONE should think, and if you disagree with me, well, fuck you! I would listen to myself and think, “Okay, okay, calm down, it’s not worth it, it’s not gonna change anything, you can’t change their mind.” But my ego was screaming, “No, don’t give up! You can’t lose, they won’t take you seriously if you give in!” I pushed friends away, I pushed family members away. My ego said, “You are hurt, she hurt you, she deserves to hear the truth, no don’t stop just because she is crying, she deserves to feel pain, and this is nothing in comparison to what she made you live with.” The funny thing is that my relationship with James is awesome, we talk about everything, and yes we get heated, but for some reason, I can fight my ego off, tell her to shut up and reach for his hand, no matter how irritated I am. He is the only one I can fight my ego for.
The election really made it evident that my ego was getting out of control. While I still absolutely believe very particular things that I will refrain from typing here because… honestly because my ego wants me to. My ego wants me to tell you how you should vote, how you should believe, who should or should not have rights. My ego wants to tell you that you’re wrong for having or not having faith. My ego just whispered, if you don’t write it, nobody will take you seriously, they will think you don’t have facts and reasons. They will blow you off.
I spent YEARS being blown off. It’s the hardest thing for me to handle, and one I do not handle gracefully. If someone waves away my words, shakes them off and walks away when I am expressing myself (not necessarily about politics, but in general), I will raise my voice and stomp my feet and use profanity, because I am talking dammit! My ego has been bitch slapped so many times, and once I let my ego get big enough, she swore never to let anyone take advantage again. I became an expert arguer. And I’m not gonna lie, I like it. Not arguing with James, I don’t want to hurt him, and we agree more often than not, anyways. But with other people who put their opinions out there. Facebook has become my battle ground. Being as opinionated as I am, I post articles on things I think are important, just like many others. The problem is if I see your opinion. Agree, or disagree, I will say my thoughts, and someone may get offended. My ego says we say things because we want to enlighten people. My heart says it’s not our job.
I’m not saying I’m gonna stop posting my opinions, but I will definitely try to turn a blind eye to things that I will never be able to change. There are people who I pick on, not to be mean, but because I care, and I don’t think it comes off that way. And eventually my ego gets in the way, and it’s not fun and games anymore. I think I have offended a lot of people, and it was not my intention. It’s not my place to tell anyone how to believe, maybe growing up being told what to believe, how to behave, what to wear, having my life dictated has given me the impression that it’s my job to fix everyone around me. It’s not my job, it’s not my place, and who am I to say who anyone should be. In my heart I do believe you all are special, and those of you who have opinions, I think it’s great, I appreciate you for having a thought in your head, and even if I don’t agree with you, I’m making an effort now, to live and let live.