Stop means STOP

This one is kind of a rant….

I have a question:

Why are victims the ones who have to make all the changes? Why is it socially acceptable to give victims pointers on how not to be harassed, bullied or raped?

I asked my husband yesterday as he was giving me ideas to tell a friend of mine who is being cyber bullied by her ex husband. He said, “Because Douchebag (No his name isn’t really Douchebag, but I changed his name for his privacy lol) is never going to stop. If she wants it to stop SHE has to do something.”

To me that answer sounded an awful lot like, “She was wearing a dress, she was asking for it.”

Why doesn’t the abuser have responsibility to take in these scenarios? Why doesn’t STOP mean stop? Why doesn’t NO mean no? Why did my friend have to run away from an abusive man, and get rid of her cell phone because he had enabled the GPS and was following her? Why did she have to sit in a court room and be victim shamed because she couldn’t afford a lawyer?

Why doesn’t he stop? Why is he allowed to text her 20-40 times in a row? Threatening litigation over and over for every little thing. Blaming HER for his actions. Somehow its all her fault, but he is the one who abused her. And he is still the one harassing her.

In the 4 or 5 years that I have known Douchebag, he has been possessive and controlling. I watched my friend’s phone ring 32 times in a row. 32 times! If she silences her phone and puts it away while we are out to lunch or something, when she picks it up again there are dozens of missed calls and texts. When they shared a car, he would threaten to call the police and report it stolen if she wasn’t back in a reasonable time. For a few years I rarely saw my friend because it was just too stressful for her to leave the house. And she is not the only person who has been harassed. He will call my friend’s parents to “tattle”, or show up at their house in the middle of the night in a panic. He threatened to kill himself, and sent a photo of himself lighting the title to my friend’s car on fire. He has cyber bullied me via Facebook and text message. He showed up at another friend’s house at 2am and began ringing the doorbell over and over looking for her. Their daughter told me that “Daddy is scary at mommy.”

Somehow in his brain this is all her fault.He has no responsibility to take. The judge didn’t think a restraining order was necessary, and ruled that Douchebag is allowed to talk to his daughter on the phone every night, so my friend had to give him a phone number. Which he uses constantly.

A few hours after court I received a (drunk?) text from Douchebag threatening to sue me for “deformation” or character and slander. (It’s defamation you idiot!) I had been on the stand that morning, and I told the truth, (although, funny enough, I wasn’t allowed to tell the whole truth. I was cut off at any chance that I tried to explain an answer. Why was I even sworn in?) and he didn’t like it. No kidding, it makes him sound like he’s insane!!! But he can’t own it.

Last night I got a text from an ex boyfriend of my friend informing me that Douchebag contacted him in attempt to locate my friend. He threatened legal action. I found out later that he also contacted 3 other people as well.

When will it end?

When will stop mean stop?

I am infuriated by the disrespect. This man truly believes he’s in the right, he believes he has every right to harass whomever, whenever. It’s not OK. I encourage you to speak up when you witness bullying of any kind. Teach your children about respecting each other, when your child says, “stop” then stop! And reinforce that you respected their words. Let’s not raise bullies. *****Obviously, be safe, don’t put yourself in danger.*****

Parents have responsibilities to their children and to society to raise respectful children. Bullies don’t just pop out of nowhere. It’s a product of some type of trauma, or abuse or neglect. (Monkey see monkey do.) As parents we must nurture, and encourage empathy. Teach our children that other people have feelings, too, and it is equally important to validate your own feelings, as it is to validate other’s. There are too many little assholes running around, one day they’re gonna be big assholes. And it’s much harder to tame that kind of behavior in an adult. Let’s teach our kids that it’s OK to say, “I don’t like the way that makes me feel” and to remove themselves from uncomfortable situations. It’s OK to to walk away when someone is hurting you, or or making you feel yucky. I wish I was taught this. I wish my friend was taught this. Sadly she put up with it for too long. The problem with allowing bullies to bully, is they have learned that it’s ok to treat you like that. At this point we have responsibility to take. I am always called the bitch because I won’t put up with “certain people” who treat me badly. I will not be yelled at, name called or disrespected, and I make every effort to avoid situations where this might happen. I avoid certain functions because I know that I am not respected, and I won’t just sit quietly and take it. Because it’s viewed as “rude” to defend myself, I stay away. While everyone gives “certain people” excuses. “That’s just how they are.” Not to me they’re not.

If you have suggestions on how to deal with a bully, please comment below.

(Fast) Food Fight!

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I waited until I calmed down a bit to begin writing. This morning my (soon to be) father in law brought my sick step son, Lj Mc Donald’s, a diet coke and chips! My jaw dropped when he walked in the door!!! I said, “He doesn’t eat that stuff anymore.” And Grandpa blew me off. (My fiance has already talked to his parents about fast food). Last week my (soon to be) grandma brought a bag of chips for Lj. They were promptly thrown out, and I let Grandma know that we avoid processed food, particularly with Lj because he has ADD and we are trying to clean up his diet as much as we can because he has responded so well to the changes we have already made.

Let me give you a little insight into this situation. When Lj started kindergarten he got notes home every day, these were not encouraging notes, they had sad faces and explained that Lj had thrown fits, hid under his desk, yelled at the teachers aid, refused to listen, refused to come in from recess, had meltdowns when he was not picked… the list goes on. We knew we had to make a change, and are hesitant to try medication. I had already been cleaning up the kids diet, so I decided quickly, OK time to talk to the grandparents and let them know that fast food has to stop, and NO MORE SODA. (They never had that with us, in fact, they drink water here.) Then I ordered the kids the same shakes that I drink every morning, they are organic with whey from grass fed cows who have not been treated with hormones or antibiotics, and it’s 99% lactose extracted. I love them, and the kids do,too. I had read that kids with ADD need higher protein, and Lj does not like meat (I’ll admit that I do love that fact) so I figured this was the best way to get quality protein in his system along with 90 other nutrients that our bodies need to function properly. It has been like night and day! He still comes home with notes, but they are filled with stars and happy faces! He is responding to directions now, he listens, he has said several times that his “brain let’s him listen now”. I am convinced that better nutrients has helped him have better mental clarity!

 

So you can imagine how PISSED I was seeing this crap in my house!!! Mc Donald’s is NOT food! It’s GMOs, fillers, hormones, antibiotics, preservatives and grease! And soda should not even be legal, it’s so bad for you! There is nothing in soda that a kid needs! (Or an adult!) Not to mention diet soda, so it has a chemical shit storm of ingredients!!! “Diet” anything is nasty, and confuses your body. Children are getting diabetes these days, and they wouldn’t be if they didn’t have access to this crap!!!

Grandpa completely blew me off and said, “My kids grew up eating this stuff and they are fine.” Everyone thinks they are just fine until they eat clean! All of a sudden they have more energy, mental clarity, they feel good, they get sick less, their workouts are better, they look better, their skin clears up! So many awesome things happen when you eat clean, and you would never know how good you could feel unless you actually experienced it! When I got my fiance on Product B (magical vitamins!!!) he had always felt fine, he was tired, but he works really hard, outside, and gets up early, we have a hectic schedule, it’s no wonder he was always tired. But it never stopped him. A few weeks into Product B he forgot to take it one morning and for some reason he felt like crap that day, tired, not motivated, wanted a nap all day. The next day he remembered it, and he had a great day, tons of energy! He said he couldn’t believe the difference when he doesn’t take it! James would never have known how good he could feel, how much more productive he could be if he hadn’t made dietary changes. His doctor even told him how healthy was, but he didn’t feel how drained and depleted he was.

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I know I can’t hammer this into everyone’s head. Some of you like your ignorance, it’s easier to go to a drive thru than go grocery shopping and make dinner. I get it, That used to be me (years ago). I’ll be honest, making these changes is not easy and it does not happen over night! Reading labels, is obnoxious and discouraging sometimes!!!! Going to the store when all I want to do is go home because it’s been a long day sucks sometimes! I am so lucky to be a stay at home mom and have the time to prepare and there is a lot of prep involved! Pureeing, cutting, prepackaging things for easy access, it’s never ending!!! And the dishes, oh my god!!! So just know, I’m not judging. I would hope you would think about making small changes, or even one big one (NO MORE FAST FOOD!), but if not, it’s ok, it’s your decision. Just like my families diet is mine! I hope the grandparents will start to respect me, and understand that this is all about keeping my kids healthy, so they can live long amazing lives! It’s not about creating more rules, and making it harder on anyone. Seriously, if only it were easier!!! I believe it is worth the effort. And in case you’re wondering, yes when the kids go to birthday parties we let them eat cake and pizza, I don’t want them to resent us over food!!!

My fiance is cutting up a Mc Donald's gift card that was given to our daughter
My fiance is cutting up a Mc Donald’s gift card that was given to our daughter